To Circumcise Or Not To Circumcise? That Is The Question

I was talking to a friend the other day who told me that he and his wife never broached the subject of whether their son should be circumcised.

“The subject just never came up. We just didn't..... talk about it. We didn't talk about anything really."

How a child is going to be brought up is one of countless decisions that a couple needs to make.

Decisions require discussion - quality discussion where both partners are able to define their own wants and needs, and define themselves to their partner, and be able to receive their partner as a separate individual.

Whether the discussion is how to load the dishwasher, where to go on holiday, how we feel about each other’s social groups, our sexual preferences or how we raise our children, couples often find themselves in a similar pattern of avoidance of ‘those hot topics’.

Or not necessarily even hot topics. Just any topic which could reveal ‘differences’.
More on that later!

But I was very interested by my friend's revelation. I mean, circumcision is an important decision, right?

"Why didn’t you tell her what you wanted?", I asked.

"I don't know" he replied.

"Well how did you feel about circumcision?"

"It's what I wanted for him", he said, and went on to tell me the many reasons why it was important for him.

"I get that it's important for you. So what was in the way of you telling your wife about your wishes so you could negotiate a decision together?"

"We just didn’t discuss anything. And it was like that for 10 years...".

Then he said "I’ve regretted that for 10 years".

It’s interesting the price of not speaking up.

A Classic Pattern

This is typical of one of the two types of patterns that couples can get into when they get stuck in their relational development.

This is more of a conflict avoidant pattern. It’s something I see in many of the couples I work with.

Conflict avoidance is one of those strategies we can get into for understandable reasons. Conflict can get painful!

The Cost of Conflict Avoidance

But avoiding conflict - and not learning how to have Quality Conflict - puts the brakes on individual growth, it inhibits intimacy in its tracks and leads to a stifling of the vibrancy and juice of the relationship.

In short, we don't grow as individuals and so our relationship cannot grow.

And, like my friend, you may well carry a feeling of regret for a very long time.

Learning Quality Conflict

There are tons of IFIO-based interventions that can be made and tools that can be learned to help couples move through the stalemate of being either hostile and angry (blaming and shaming) or more this avoidance of the real intimacy of being in a couple.

And it's not just speaking up in a way like "This is what I want, I’m gonna have it my way". That would be a ‘power over’ style of relating.

The goal is that we’re courageous enough to state "This is what is important for me, and these are the reasons it’s important for me", whilst recognizing the other may have a very different position.

In this case my friend didn’t even know the position of his wife. He hadn't inquired into who his wife was.

So the point of discussions, confrontations or even conflict is to reveal ourselves, learn about the other and reaffirm that we are different.

And that’s why we get stuck - because it’s the difference that makes it so uncomfortable. And this is usually the stage where most relationships get into trouble. We call this stage differentiation.

When we’re in trouble, it’s simply failed differentiation.

Sounds so simple, right?

But strangely - just because of what’s at stake in our intimate relationships - its can feel very far from easy.

At the end of the day, the outcome or decision is one element (to circumcise or not to circumcise).

But if you're in a couple that wants to grow, then the discussion process itself is the key to growth.

Do you want to learn how to have these difficult conversations?

Mastering those difficult - but essential - discussions is a skill that can be learned.

It's what I coach my couples in. And it's amazing to see the quality of the conflict evolve from passive avoidance, to calm assertion and understanding of each other.

If you'd like to know more about the process and even work directly with me, please get in touch today!