Statistically destined to fail?

“The secret to a successful relationship is ensuring that there is a ‘healthy’ ratio of positive to negative interactions.” I was told recently by someone who’d read one of Dr. John Gottman’s books.

“Yep, I can get that”, I thought.

He went on to explain, “And the magic ratio is 5 to 1, meaning that every negative interaction needs to be countered by five or more positive interactions. Otherwise your relationship is basically screwed’.

“Hmm”, I pondered.

He then elaborated with “So I was in a relationship with this woman. I didn’t really like her. But thought, ‘Well, I might as well stay’. Then I read that scientifically researched fact and thought, ‘Ah-ha! That’s what’s wrong” I’m not getting enough positives from her! So I broke up with her. Good thing too, as I immediately found someone who brings lots of positives to me!’”.

Now, you might read this and think, “Well yeah, that makes sense. If it doesn’t feel good then go find something better!”.

I hear similar conclusions from many clients…..

Where’s his own positivity?

But this is missing a huge chunk of context and opportunities for growth - both as an individual as for the relationship - even if that relationship is destined to end!

One of several glaring blind spots for exploration is.... “Are you aware of what you contributed to the dynamic that you found so negative?”

It also seems that for this guy the purveyor of positivity is outside of himself. So where’s his positivity?

Repair fuels relationship satisfaction

But to me a fascinating paradox is another of Dr John Gottman’s observations - that a huge contribution to relationship satisfaction is the willingness and ability to repair.

Simply, relationship satisfaction increases with repair.

Repair brings the opportunity to deepen intimacy and therefore satisfaction.

The paradox is that, by implication, repair requires so-called negativity.

‘Negativity’, used well, is a fuel for growth, healing, intimacy and satisfaction.

Reject negativity and you miss the chance to learn and grow from repair.

Repair is a superpower!

Do you know how to repair?

The next question is…. Do you know how to repair?

If not, then know it can be learned - particularly through processes like IFIO Courageous communication.

With my clients, when when they finally hear each other clearly, that negativity can dissolve in a heartbeat. That negativity gets replaced by understanding.

The Perfect Mate

Let’s drop the illusion of the Perfect Mate (who doesn’t ‘bring’ negativity) and let’s learn the superpower of repair for a relationship that deepens and allows you to grow, together.

And even if you feel the relationship is destined to end, let’s get clear about what you’re bringing to the negative dynamic.

You can influence the dynamic

Maybe you just don’t yet realise how powerfully you can influence that dynamic?

But you can. If you want to find out more about learning Courageous Communication, feel free to get in touch.

Happy repairing!