How to prepare for a successful committed relationship

Are you in the heady early stages of your relationship and planning to deepen your commitment, move in together, have a child, or even marry?

Do you realise that this is the golden opportunity to set the course for a rewarding and growth-focused relationship?

Or - because it feels so good now - do you hope you’ll be immune to the difficulties you see in warring or emotionally empty couples, or those 40-odd percent who divorce?

Taking proactive steps or 'marriage prep'

Some couples recognize the risk of not taking proactive steps to prepare for commitment or marriage. They equip themselves with knowledge and tools by attending a ‘marriage prep’ course, often offered by churches, or work with a couples therapist or coach.

Seeking help when the shit has hit the fan

But many couples seek help for their relationships when, let’s say, the shit has already hit the fan.

Sometimes it's in the first few years of a relationship and they're in a state of panic. They’re coming out of what we could call the ‘honeymoon phase’ and edging into ‘differentiation’.

They’re reeling from disappointment as they discover their partner isn’t living up to the 'ideal' they met in the first few months.

Or couples come in for help years into entrenched patterns of blaming, shaming, or when the relationship gets characterised by Dr John Gottman’s 'Four Horsemen' predictors of divorce - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Whatever the case, you can certainly reset your relationship roadmap at any point.

Golden opportunity

But there’s a really golden opportunity to do preparatory work to set the stage and lay strong foundations early in the relationship.

This may be when you’re starting to think about moving towards more of a commitment, such as moving in together, having a child or getting married.

Why is this such a good opportunity?

Because (usually) in the beginning of our relationship we relate to one another very heartfully.

In the language of the IFIO approach to couples therapy we usually have a lot of Self available.

The qualities of Self are curiosity, courageousness, openness, compassion, patience, presence, playfulness. And much, much more.

Our ‘Protector Parts’ seem to have taken a vacation.

There’s a merging of boundaries. ‘I’ becomes ‘we’. We think we’ve found ‘The One’.

It’s fabulous and is a very necessary foundational stage for the relationship.

Capitalise on your qualities of Self

For many of us these qualities of Self remain very available in the early parts of our relationship.

So it’s the ideal time to capitalise on them - because there IS this openness, there IS this curiosity, there IS this goodwill and motivation to invest in a strong relationship.

Early commitment coaching or ‘marriage prep’

Imagine starting your deepening commitment knowing that you will experience the rocky stage of ‘differentiation’ after the ‘honeymoon stage’.

And yet you've equipped yourself with the knowledge, insight, tools and practices to support easing you through the stage where most couples stumble or even irreversibly fall at this first hurdle.

Start your ‘marriage prep’ early

Will you invest in this valuable opportunity to dramatically increase your chances of growing together as a couple, avoiding divorce, and creating a vital and juicy relationship?

Start your ‘marriage’ preparation early - so you’re all set - belt and braces - for the inevitable stage of differentiation.

At the very least so you won’t confuse it with meaning there’s a problem in your relationship. Because usually there isn't. It's just a lack of relational skills.

I’d be super happy to share with you my ‘Couples Preparing to Commit' programme.

If you want to know more about it just drop me an email.

And give yourselves a super strong head start towards a rich, vital and juicy committed relationship.

Take care!