"It's better than being alone.... Just."

These are the precise words I heard my partner say the other day.

These words were spoken in response to him suffering 5 hours witnessing my recycling bin emptying ‘process’.

I had taken about 5 hours to empty the recycling bin. Why? For a number of barely rational (and therefore invalid?) reasons that made perfect sense to the way I roll with life.

My approach to emptying the bin was somewhat staged. Firstly the idea - "Ah! I should empty this bin. It’s full."

Then step 1, remove the bin from under the counter.

Step 2, place the bin near the top of the stairs to take down and out to the bins ‘when I feel the urge for that step’. Coz that’s how I roll - where and when the energy flows.

During those 5 hours, he forgot that I was ‘in process’ and on a number of occasions simply followed the habit of chucking items to be recycled in the empty space where normally the recycling bin is.

It was in those moments that he uttered……”It’s better than being alone…… Just.”

I, of course, found it hilarious.

It's totally normal when we discover we're different.

Thankfully, I know that it’s not only funny, but it’s exactly what happens when couples are at the differentiation stage of their relationship.

They discover - often to their horror - that they are different. Voices inside wish their partner was their exact clone - effortlessly mirroring their every logical step. Perplexed, dismayed and disappointed when their partner - once so seemingly attuned - suddenly has a mind of their own.

So what’s the message?

The first golden secret is to know that this is an essential stage in any intimate relationship.

It must happen.

It’s often accompanied by disappointment - the loss of the illusion of the ‘honeymoon’ phase (what we call ‘symbiosis’). It’s the opportunity to start defining ourselves as different individuals and crucially - doing it relationally.

How do we navigate this tricky stage?

The IFIO Courageous Communication practice is one of the most powerful ways to support differentiation - so we get through it without sulking, blaming, shaming - or even ultimately breaking up because we mistakenly think that our partner’s not right for us (because they’ve got the most bizarre trash emptying methodology on the entire planet).

Sounds nuts, but I hear people voicing deal-breaking objections about their foibles all the time.

It’s never the foible.

It’s the anxiety provoked by a lack of differentiation that causes relationship disharmony and break ups.

And actually, all they’re lacking is the understand that it’s NORMAL and that there IS a roadmap through it to a relationship where each partner feels safe in the knowledge that they're separate and yet connected.

How do I learn how to handle the anxiety of being different?

Feel free to get in touch to learn more about Courageous Communication - the IFIO couples therapy communication practice

It will transform your communication and the way you see you partner - despite all his or her foibles....