I don't want to watch you fight. I want to witness you heal.
Why do couples try to fight in front of me?
I see a lot of people show up with the idea that if they could only just say their piece to their partner in the presence of a stranger that their partner will finally understand and finally say ‘Oh my God! Why didn’t I hear what you’re saying before... meet your demands... satisfy your need... bend to your will, etc etc etc.?’
As though having their usual defensive part finally speaking out in the presence of me, an impartial witness, will finally get the issue resolved.
Perhaps they think I’m some referee or judge who’ll climb in the boxing ring with them, prize them apart, raise the victorious fist of one of them and declare that one the winner.
Both lose
But the problem is where there's a winner there’s also a loser. Then in a relationship nobody wins.
It’s lose-lose.
Fortunately couples work doesn't really work like that.
But that seems to be the idea that many people have.
Meet the main players and understand their motives
Instead the most effective way is to witness enough of the dynamic so I can bring attention to the Protector parts involved - the main players in the fight.
Each person is invited to notice and be accountable for what’s happening in their own system.
It’s an immediate break from the blaming and shaming dynamic that many couples find themselves in and helps to reduce the projections.
The Protectors in each person's system must be respected - their needs and motives need to be understood.
I mean, they’ve been blaming and stonewalling for a good reason, right? We need to hear that reason, so that the Protectors can relax a little.
Then we're more able to speak in a way that will allow us to be heard.
Speaking to be heard
It may sound rather dry and formulaic. But it’s a very delicate and respectful process.
And the result?
The fighting stops. Each person gets to speak with clarity. Each person gets to be heard. And something completely new and a whole lot less threatening might be heard.
In this way, both people are much more likely to win.
Healing moments
Just the other day I was facilitating one of these conversations with a couple. The husband suddenly exclaimed '"I can hear you! I hear what you're saying! It's so obvious now! Why didn't I hear it before!?! ".
It's an incredible healing moment to witness.
We all giggled.
We can learn to speak to get heard
The fact is we cannot hear - or speak - clearly when we're fighting.
No-one gets heard. No-one wins.
But these conversations can be managed, and particularly effectively using the IFIO Courageous Communication approach.
I do it all the time. It's amazing what gets seen.
It is a bit of an artform. But it can be learned.
I'd love to support you in mastering this artform. Just drop me a message and I'll be in touch.